Time waits for no man or woman for that matter......
Its been a long time since I have
posted anything on here for many reasons. Some of which I want to
address. Not being the cancer patient myself, I don't get to look
death straight in the eye, thumb my nose, flip the middle finger at
it, and go on about my day. I only get a front row seat to watch the
show as the person closest to me gets up day after day and refuses to
back down from what life has thrown her way. Lori has struggled with
the prognosis that this cancer doesn't fit into any of the “nice”
cancers that get the headlines and the research that develop
treatment plans. Every type of cancer is different and each robs the
body of life in a different way. I have come to realize it doesn't
matter though, the end result of death is still the same. It comes
for us all, but some see it a little quicker than others. That said,
its what you do with the time you have that can sometimes make the
difference. Or at least that's what popular culture tells you. It's
a lot harder to put into practice from the words you tell yourself in
your head and to others when they ask “how are you doing”
Patience is a virtue for a reason. As I have gotten older I have come
to realize my parents were right about a great many things, the
preceding sentence being one of them. Yes I've heard the jokes about
what we think of our parents at various ages.. I think we laugh
because they are more true than we like to admit. When we are young
we say to ourselves “I'm not going to do that when I get old” or
“I sure hope..........”. You get the idea.
My point to all this is when we are
young, we are full of hope and ideas of how things will be different
when we are at whatever age we haven't reached yet. At each stage of
life as our goals, hopes and dreams change, the one constant seems to
be time. Either its “I can't wait till....” or “there never
seems to be enough time for..........”.
The support group Lori and I are in on Facebook for pheochromocytoma/ paraganglianoma has over the last 3 months lost several people. Some have been in the group longer than Lori and I and others not so long. Lori found this group about a year ago when she was at wits end trying to understand why it is so difficult to get a straight answer out of various doctors. It gave us hope and support that we are not alone in this fight, and there are others going through the same bullshit day after day. I feel lucky, guilty and scared at the same time because so far, Lori has beaten the odds to this point. Guilty because some people aren't blessed with the same time. People younger than Lori and I with kids and families that were dead within a year of their diagnosis, even though they got the best treatments money could buy, discovered it “just in time...” Those little buggers released all those chemicals, the body goes into a hypertensive crisis and the person slips into a coma, and all the people left behind have to wait. Wait for a better day. Wait until they can see their loved one again. Wait until they don't feel guilty for the things they never got to say. Wait until the guilt goes away for not being able to do the stuff they wanted, with the person they are closest to. Various books I have read have made the point that waiting for something can be difficult and learning to deal with the time in between can be difficult. Here we are back at time and patience again... See I told you my parents were right.
I used to think I was a strong person
but I have realized my parents and siblings were correct all those
years ago when they told me I am stubborn. I freely admit that yes I
am stubborn, but now I have learned patience. I also have a new
admiration for people who have to fight this battle. This lesson that
other people might just be battling something harder/ different than
the daily trials and tribulations of most peoples lives is not new
to me. I was first exposed to the different difficulties of others by
my parents at a very young age and it has shaped who I am today, but
the fight with this disease will change me in a way that other
obstacles I have overcome in my past could not. The difference is I
get to watch someone I love fight a battle in which my role is
primarily support instead of the person doing the fighting. Now,
those that know me, and who I am, may have an idea about what I'm
talking about here but most likely you only know various parts of the
story.... My history and how I got to be me, will be a later post.
